Random Complaining and thinking

Today is the first day of spring.  It has started out really crappy ...

1st. ~ It is freaking snowing outside.. what the heck is going on?  Isn't winter suppose to be over and the sun is to be shinning....

2nd.~ Today is the official day of the start of spring break.. going back to the weather... with it being so crappy and cold the kids will NOT be able to play outside.. so it looks like inside for 9 days with them.  Unless I get lucky and the weather changes otherwise SHIT...now what

3rd ~ I hit the snooze button today... or at least I thought I did.  I turned off that darn alarm clock instead of snoozing it.  So I fell back asleep .. Woke up at 6:45 ... didn't work out and now I feel like total garbage.  I get up 5 days a week and work out.. now my day feels like crap...

4th ~ Isn't clothes shopping suppose to be a lot of fun.. HA... not this weekend.. I have to take a 9 year old boy shopping...along with his 12 year old sister.  Only to hear him complain on what is taking Cassie so long as she tries on every piece of  clothes the store owns.  But off to Plato's closet we go for her.. since she has become so picky these days and and "ONLY" wear stuff like ambercrombie and fitch or hollister or aeropostle.  I need to head there... a thrift store that only cares high name brands.. LOVE IT>.  Maybe I should leave Dylan home and take him another day...

5th ~ Time to upgrade cell phones.  My contract is up in July and we have decided to stay with TMOBILE.  We all need new phones.. well not necessarily me but if Cassie and Matt are getting new phones.. I am heading for that blackberry....I am not going to feel left out..

Ok.. time to stop complaining and thinking out loud.....

Have a great day everyone!! As I am sure mine has been sent to shit...

The messy room

I have completely and totally decided that my 12 year old daughter is not my child.  How in the world can someone have a room that looks like this.  Now mind you ~ we do chores once a week on Sunday.  They consists of cleaning and vacuuming rooms, cleaning their bathrooms (I refuse to clean that mess) and putting away laundry.  Not to much to ask ~ Right.  It is only ONE day a week.  This is what Cassie's room looks like within 1 day of cleaning.

How hard is it to put away your clothes?  Not that hard right?  Well, I have taught Cassie how to wash her own clothes.  I refuse to wash clothes that are just scattered all over the floor and hanging out her drawers after I spend my time washing them..

And what about straightening up that dresser?  Is it that difficult?  I am debating whether I should do it.  Maybe I need to go in there with a big black garbage bag and through everything away.  Clothes and all....

The there is the issue of the desk. Boy can you imagine your desk looking like this.  I can't imagine mine looking like this.  Oh what, my children share my computer, or used to now that my wonderful husband bought me a laptop, and the desk used to look like crap.  Shit all over the place. 

So here is my dilemia.  Do I let her keep her room this way because it is her room? Or do I make her clean it, or should I say I will, since this is my house and she is "borrowing" that room until she leaves for college?  What or what to decided....

I think I will discuss it with her.  To let her know that she might come home one day to find her room "clean"...AGH the joys of being the boss!!!

Tracy

The hard day

Yesterday was a hard day.  I had a manic attack.  The bipolar side of me came out.  Or you could say the evil twin being the Gemini that I am..  I woke up in a funk.  I just knew something wasn't right.  I haven't had one of these episodes for quit some time.  It all started like this:


I woke up tired and exhausted.  Ryan hadn't slept the night before.. so many hours of broken sleep.  As he cries from nightmares (or at least I think) I crave for some sleep.  Of course my husband is oblivious to any sort of crying or movement going on.  He is useless when it comes to stuff like this. 


I can feel the anger building up.  It was coming but I just didn't know when.  It was going to be out of my control.  I could feel it.  My husband is off on Wednesdays I didn't want to ruin our time together.  


Matt drove Patrick to school and then came home.  Ryan wasn't cooperating.  Matt wanted to go to Bed Bath and Beyond and I wanted to go with.  But, Ryan had other plans.  He wanted to have a tantrum.  So off Matt went and the anger came out.. All I did was be upset and cry because I was stuck home again.  You see it is so cold out we are stuck in this house.  I don't know if I was angry  he went without me or I was just angry ~ I am going with the 2nd.  


The day progressed and I became more depressed.  Did lots of crying to myself and within myself.  I felt really down.  You see that is how this works.  Up high and feeling good, to anger (lots of it) and then down low.  I take my meds everyday but it didn't seem to work yesterday. 


I woke up today feeling better.. Not great but better.  I told myself that today would be a good day.  That nothing can bring me down.  So off I go to start another day in my crazy life.  A mother to 5 and a wife to1.  


Have a great day everyone! 

Quote of the day.....

Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process.

I fell in love 7 years ago with my best friend.  We are still as much in love as yesterday.  I love you my sweet husband.  Thank you for all that you do .. For being who you are and for loving me as I am..

Happy Valentines Day!!

My blessings

I was just hit with a curve ball.. The kind that takes you by surprise and knocks you out a little. Well...I am talking about my life. You see, my life is about to take a major change. Not a fast ball but a curve ball.. .But today I decide to not think about that .. instead to write about what I am most thankful for.  My blessings:


1.)  I am thankful for Jenga Max ~ playing 10 games with my 4 year old son and getting my butt kicked.

2.) Thankful for an amazing husband who accepts me for who I am.  Takes me with the good and bad.. With     all the mood swings.  For holding my hand under the table as our children say what they are thankful for everyday.

3.) I am thankful for all the beautiful friends that I have made over the years.  Some are close and some are so far away.  I rely on them for support, encouragement and love.  These friends have become my sisters. 

4,) I am thankful for my mind.  Which gives me the ability to think.  To make decisions. To learn and to feel.

5.) I am thankful for my life.  The life that God was so kind to give me.  To give me choice.  The choice to choose.  This is the day the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad.

The Crazy Day

Yesterday was a Bipolar kind of day. Yep, if you don't know I am bipolar. It kind of makes my days a little more hectic when I am having an "attack". I was lost yesterday couldn't find myself.. I disappeared for awhile but sent myself to bed and hope to wake up being me again.

It all started as I woke and just didn't feel right. The pain in the back of my head was signaling me to go back to bed. But being a mom of 5 children I couldn't possibly do that. I woke to ride 5 miles on the bike, shower and start my day.

I woke the first child up at 6:30. Then by 6:45 they all started to wake with the last one rising up at 7:30. I was in a bad mood.. Could feel my stomach knotting up and my blood pressure rising. Oh boy here comes this attack ..

All the days problems continued to fold. My kids only had a half day. So they were home by 12pm. I knew it was going to be a long day.

To make a long story short. I snapped. Snapped at them and cried to myself. I needed this day to pass. All these emotions came out of nowhere. The crying started and didn't stopped. All these things floating around in my head just make matters worse. Going back to school, taking this NET test, bills, vacation and etc etc etc. OH boy I was on overload. I tried my best .. but couldn't do it. I just couldn't have a good day. I spent the afternoon crying. I had a breakdown I was yelling at my kids. I needed to get away.

Instead, I did homework, made dinner let the kids watch tv before bed and tucked them in. As I tucked each child in I apologized. I said I was so so sorry for how I acted. For being a "bad" mom. That I was having a hard day. That I should of given myself a time out. But how does a mother with 5 kids give herself a time out? I cleaned up and went to bed. I needed to sleep or try to at least.

I woke up this morning at 4:45. Rode the bike and started my day. So far so good. I am hoping that this bad mood passes. I think today will be a good day. It has to be I have 5 crazy kids to do again. But this is my life. I wouldn't change it for anything.

Wishing everyone a day filled with love, joy, understanding and happiness. I will try and give myself the same. I will try and survive this day...I can't quit.. to many people are counting on me.