Summer of 78 (not 69)

I remember it like yesterday ~ the neighborhood pool. I went for my first advanced swim lesson. It was time for me to jump into the deep end and swim back to the side.

I remember the exact look of the pool. Blue on the bottom with white sides and concrete ledges. A big blue diving board with broken springs and chipping paint. With a BIG huge fence as tall as the sky wrapped around the entire pool.

All our parents stood outside that fence and were not allowed in during lessons. It was just us and the lifeguard. I remember I had 3 friends in there from school with a total of about 10 kids.

NOW.. a lifeguard is suppose to watch those 10 kids along with teaching them how to swim. RIGHT?

So, we all line up along that white concrete edge. All 10 of us.

The funny thing is that I remember this swim instructor very well. A high school er with long blond hair. No flaws whatsoever. Just simply beautiful. I remember wanting to be and look just like her as I grew up. She was just stunning. I remember being in awe over her and almost feeling "in love" with her. It was a moment that I will never forget.

I also remember this boy. The boy on the other side of the fence. He was VERY cute. Big muscles, curly black hair. Simply gorgeous. I remember feeling that in order to have a boyfriend like that I must be beautiful like her. I remember promising myself that day to become the most beautiful person, physically that is, that I could be. I didn't realize it at that time that what is inside counts the most. It will only take me 35 years to finally understand it all.

As she stood at the side of the pool with us. She instructed us all to jump in and then swim to to the side. The cement side. OK.. this should be easy. Well, I jumped in but couldn't swim. WHAT I CAN"T SWIM... someone help me.

I remember looking up and seeing the top of the water. It was so close but yet so far far away. I remember seeing a light.. I remember drowning. I was drowning. I remember grabbing on anything that was around me. Grabbing my friends by the legs and pulling them down. Pulling them all down. Until one of my classmates. NOT THE INSTRUCTOR. Pulled me to safely.

Where was that damn lifeguard...

I was dying. I was dying on the white cement side of this public pool. I was grasping for air. I was dreaming of a different world. I was scared. So scared of that water now.

That damn lifeguard was "socializing" with the gorgeous boy through the fence. If it wasn't for my friend I would have died. I would have died as this girl, who I so looked up too, smooched face through the chain link fence of the pool.

I never took another swim lesson again. I hate swimming pools. I hate gorgeous blond lifeguards and cute boys with curly black hair. I hate the water.

However, this is the day that I will forgive this person. I will let it go. I will release all the anger and fear and just let it go. I will try and swim in the pool again or at least duck my head under water.

As my soul is releasing all the negative energy that I have held on to for so long, I am smiling at the feeling of relief. I can actually feel it being released from my body. I feel it in my toes, my stomach, my neck and even my head.

I love this feeling of forgiveness.

I forgive you gorgeous blond beautiful lifeguard. I forgive you and I love you.