The hard day

Yesterday was a hard day.  I had a manic attack.  The bipolar side of me came out.  Or you could say the evil twin being the Gemini that I am..  I woke up in a funk.  I just knew something wasn't right.  I haven't had one of these episodes for quit some time.  It all started like this:


I woke up tired and exhausted.  Ryan hadn't slept the night before.. so many hours of broken sleep.  As he cries from nightmares (or at least I think) I crave for some sleep.  Of course my husband is oblivious to any sort of crying or movement going on.  He is useless when it comes to stuff like this. 


I can feel the anger building up.  It was coming but I just didn't know when.  It was going to be out of my control.  I could feel it.  My husband is off on Wednesdays I didn't want to ruin our time together.  


Matt drove Patrick to school and then came home.  Ryan wasn't cooperating.  Matt wanted to go to Bed Bath and Beyond and I wanted to go with.  But, Ryan had other plans.  He wanted to have a tantrum.  So off Matt went and the anger came out.. All I did was be upset and cry because I was stuck home again.  You see it is so cold out we are stuck in this house.  I don't know if I was angry  he went without me or I was just angry ~ I am going with the 2nd.  


The day progressed and I became more depressed.  Did lots of crying to myself and within myself.  I felt really down.  You see that is how this works.  Up high and feeling good, to anger (lots of it) and then down low.  I take my meds everyday but it didn't seem to work yesterday. 


I woke up today feeling better.. Not great but better.  I told myself that today would be a good day.  That nothing can bring me down.  So off I go to start another day in my crazy life.  A mother to 5 and a wife to1.  


Have a great day everyone! 

Quote of the day.....

Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process.

I fell in love 7 years ago with my best friend.  We are still as much in love as yesterday.  I love you my sweet husband.  Thank you for all that you do .. For being who you are and for loving me as I am..

Happy Valentines Day!!

My blessings

I was just hit with a curve ball.. The kind that takes you by surprise and knocks you out a little. Well...I am talking about my life. You see, my life is about to take a major change. Not a fast ball but a curve ball.. .But today I decide to not think about that .. instead to write about what I am most thankful for.  My blessings:


1.)  I am thankful for Jenga Max ~ playing 10 games with my 4 year old son and getting my butt kicked.

2.) Thankful for an amazing husband who accepts me for who I am.  Takes me with the good and bad.. With     all the mood swings.  For holding my hand under the table as our children say what they are thankful for everyday.

3.) I am thankful for all the beautiful friends that I have made over the years.  Some are close and some are so far away.  I rely on them for support, encouragement and love.  These friends have become my sisters. 

4,) I am thankful for my mind.  Which gives me the ability to think.  To make decisions. To learn and to feel.

5.) I am thankful for my life.  The life that God was so kind to give me.  To give me choice.  The choice to choose.  This is the day the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad.

The Crazy Day

Yesterday was a Bipolar kind of day. Yep, if you don't know I am bipolar. It kind of makes my days a little more hectic when I am having an "attack". I was lost yesterday couldn't find myself.. I disappeared for awhile but sent myself to bed and hope to wake up being me again.

It all started as I woke and just didn't feel right. The pain in the back of my head was signaling me to go back to bed. But being a mom of 5 children I couldn't possibly do that. I woke to ride 5 miles on the bike, shower and start my day.

I woke the first child up at 6:30. Then by 6:45 they all started to wake with the last one rising up at 7:30. I was in a bad mood.. Could feel my stomach knotting up and my blood pressure rising. Oh boy here comes this attack ..

All the days problems continued to fold. My kids only had a half day. So they were home by 12pm. I knew it was going to be a long day.

To make a long story short. I snapped. Snapped at them and cried to myself. I needed this day to pass. All these emotions came out of nowhere. The crying started and didn't stopped. All these things floating around in my head just make matters worse. Going back to school, taking this NET test, bills, vacation and etc etc etc. OH boy I was on overload. I tried my best .. but couldn't do it. I just couldn't have a good day. I spent the afternoon crying. I had a breakdown I was yelling at my kids. I needed to get away.

Instead, I did homework, made dinner let the kids watch tv before bed and tucked them in. As I tucked each child in I apologized. I said I was so so sorry for how I acted. For being a "bad" mom. That I was having a hard day. That I should of given myself a time out. But how does a mother with 5 kids give herself a time out? I cleaned up and went to bed. I needed to sleep or try to at least.

I woke up this morning at 4:45. Rode the bike and started my day. So far so good. I am hoping that this bad mood passes. I think today will be a good day. It has to be I have 5 crazy kids to do again. But this is my life. I wouldn't change it for anything.

Wishing everyone a day filled with love, joy, understanding and happiness. I will try and give myself the same. I will try and survive this day...I can't quit.. to many people are counting on me.

1st Sunday of February

I am embarking on a new hobby this week... digital scrapbooking.

Like I have any time to do this. With studying for the NET test. Yes, that is the big news in my house. I am heading back to school. I am not going for nursing, no not for me. Instead, I am going for medical assisting. However, this test has me all stressed out. I haven't been in school for 15 years at least and this 37 year old mama is just that a mom. All this basic math and this reading comprehension. It is like so vague to me. I just can't remember and it just isn't clicking. But I will study and do it over and over every day and I will get it. If this was meant to be it will happen..I do believe it will happen.

I haven't been anything else except for a mother and wife of course for the last 13 years. This will seem rather strange to me as I start out on a new journey. I am really really awesome at that job. But what about this new one. It is very scaring to start out something new. Can I do it will I like it???? So many questions and they won't be answered for awhile.

So, this story of mine is just the beginning. I will keep you posted as the days go on and the weeks pass by. I will be also working on my photography. I have been neglected it way to long and need to start working on that again. That is my favorite hobby. I don't want her to think I have forgotten about her. My kids are growing fast and I want to record it all.

So close your eyes and think about today. About what it will bring and about all the laughter and joy that come with it. About all the unknown blessings coming your way. Lets enjoy today and look for the future.

A wonderful day filled with so much joy to you today..

Tracy

time to catch up

It has been 2 years since I have written on my blog site. I can't believe it.. where has the time gone and so much has happened.

Stay tuned as I turn my life around and start writing again. Not only was it good therapy but it was a good way for me to stay connect to myself.

Tracy